Either Hot or Cold

      As I have wrestled with my counseling identity and growing my business, I have attempted to live in two camps: secular and biblically-based counseling perspectives. My pride wants to grow my practice, and to do that I have to make myself as approachable by as many prospective counselees as possible. But, my identity in Christ keeps drawing me back toward what I am convinced is a more effective way to counsel—and live. And that made me realize something pretty profound.

      Revelation 3:15-16 is a warning from Christ to an early church. He sees them as trying to live in the world, going along to get along, while also professing to be followers of Christ. This passage came to mind recently, as the current upheaval in our country made me wonder how long God is going to let this go on. Now, I’m not trying to predict the end of the world, but it does give me pause to observe the direction in which we seem to be headed.

I like my job a lot. I like to have a full schedule. But I am convinced I am here only by the grace and provision of God. And if that means I will forfeit getting to talk to many who see biblically-based counsel as foolish, so be it. I still maintain that I can counsel anyone effectively and help any person deal with his/her issues, but I do not want to come to the end of my life, whenever, however that may occur and have Christ spit me out of his mouth because I was lukewarm.

Am I a Racist?

No, I am not. But just saying I’m not doesn’t matter. If you don’t like me, or just don’t agree with me, all you have to do to shut me down is call me a racist. My intent here is not to be provocative. My suggestion is that we consider a different way of engaging each other. I realize I am not likely to change many minds that have learned a specific, confrontational way of interacting with people of the opposing political party, another skin color, another religion, etc. All I am suggesting is that we all consider stepping away from social media for four minutes and engaging with real, live people in a real, live conversation.

If this makes you nervous start out slow. You don’t have to be profound. Just start a conversation. Just show this person you are genuinely interested in what he/she is going through right now. Begin to learn about him/her. It’s called building a relationship. And that’s how we—especially us Christians—should be engaging others amidst this civil war that is raging right now. One-on-one, face-to-face.

   I will not be deemed a racist simply through the accusation. I will be judged by those who know me and by how they have experienced me in the past, how they have seen me treat others, whether or not they believe I am genuine in how I interact with them. A simple proclamation doesn’t change anything, but building real relationships, and not just posting a surprise face emoji, will change the world, or at least delay its demise.

Why I Call Myself a Biblically-based Counselor

You saw biblically-based on the homepage and immediately thought, “Bible-thumper. No thanks.” I ask you to reconsider. I have not arrived at this place in my own life, and made the decision to present myself as a biblically-based counselor without much thought and consideration. I realize that many—maybe the majority—seeking counseling will not look twice at someone who stereotypically may be thought of as just reading scripture, praying out loud, and condemning the sinner. Oh, I read scripture. I pray. But I do those things because my faith is important to me. And that is what will be on display in my office: what I have learned about myself through my faith, and how that can benefit you.

I decided to call myself a biblically-based counselor because it seemed to me that calling myself a biblical counselor, while being a pretty fine distinction, would imply that I can quote a lot of scripture. I can’t. I do know a few scripture addresses—mostly short ones—but I’m not good at quoting long passages. I refer to biblical principles a lot, in my thinking and sometimes out loud. I realize this will offend some. You have to walk your own path and make your own peace with who God is, or if you even believe He exists.

I would describe my style of counseling as one of practicality, grounded primarily in the here-and-now. My preferred counseling theory is called Reality Therapy (developed by William Glasser). You are looking for a solution to some problem if you come into my office, and I work very hard to offer something tangible in most every situation. I also believe that, whether you consciously consider biblical principles to be a part of your worldview or not, the best answer to whatever issue you are struggling with will be found through consideration of principles given to us through the Bible, directly from God. And I will weave those principles into conversation at times without even referencing religion, or the Bible.

So, before you dismiss me as a counselor out-of-hand because of my beliefs, understand that you, too, believe in something and you are making major decisions about your life (and probably the lives of others) based on your belief system. If that is working for you, you probably haven’t read this far down the page. If it isn’t, consider at least listening to another perspective informed by biblical principles. My promise to you is that I will never look critically and unfavorably at you based on what you do or do not believe, because ultimately, we are all in the same boat.   

A Matter of Perspective

Some time ago I traveled to Colorado with one of my sons and a few other men. The primary focus of our trip was to drive over some of the old mining roads that are cut across the mountain passes. These are mostly very rough, rocky one-lane roads that require a four-wheel-drive vehicle and considerable maneuvering to successfully traverse them.

    After three days of driving these treacherous passes that would typically take at least five hours to cover ten miles or less I became somewhat discouraged. It seemed we were spending a lot of time—stressful time—picking our way slowly up a mountain, just to have to spend an equally stressful amount of time making our way back down to the pavement. We were spending a lot of time risking life, limb, and damage to the vehicle. And for what?

As I lay awake in the early morning hours of our fourth day it occurred to me that by focusing so intently on the difficulty of the journey I had not considered that the only way to experience the highest points in these beautiful mountains was to trek up the brutally difficult paths. To be sure, driving along the paved roads that wind through the mountains gives you a spectacular view, but only by making the painfully slow trip over lots of rocks, to a higher elevation, can the grandeur of this place be fully experienced. From the pavement you can see snow on the mountain tops. From the summit you can get out and stand in the snow.

What changed? Nothing more than how I chose to look at my circumstances. The fourth pass we crossed was equally as challenging as the first three. But I decided to view it as a means to an end. As a result, I was able to look around after we reached the summit and more fully appreciate the spectacular view that can only be experienced by enduring the slow, bumpy ride required to get to the top.

Life is always going to be hard. We will at times be tested by having to go through some very difficult situations. If we choose to focus on how uncomfortable we are at the moment we will not see the blessings that are always—always in front of us.

In counseling we look at things from a perspective you may not have considered. It doesn’t sound like much but you might be surprised at how it can change your outlook on life.

Boundaries vs. Manipulation

There seems to be some confusion about the difference between setting a boundary for yourself and manipulating, or trying to control another person. Maybe this will help:

Suppose you decide you no longer wish to be interrupted by your cellphone after 9 p.m. To institute a personal boundary, you would simply silence your phone at 9 p.m. each evening. You are in control of that. Problem solved.

Another way of trying to institute your new rule would be to inform every person in your contact list and all possible outside sources that no one is allowed to contact you through your phone after 9 p.m. This would be manipulation. And it would be highly ineffective.

The truth is, almost all of us are capable of controlling our own thinking and behavior. Not one of us is capable of telling others how to think or behave. You will never be able to control another person to your satisfaction. To try will only make you—and the other person—angry.

One major key to being mentally healthy is to focus on things you can change within yourself. That will be a full-time job, and you will not be so fixated on the things you see others do that you don’t like, which will only frustrate you—and the others—if you try.

Anxiety

   Think about anxiety as black food coloring. If you put a few drops in a glass of water it stains all the water and is impossible to remove. If you continue to add drops of anxiety to it, it just gets darker. But, if you begin to add more water, in the form of all the positive things God has done in your life, the color begins to dissipate and the water becomes clearer. You are what you think.  

  Anxiety Visualized

     If you could see anxiety it might look like the Jell-O mold your mother, or grandmother used to make. The slightest movement caused it to jiggle and it always looked very unstable. As long as it sat on a plate, or some hard surface, it remained relatively still, but if you were to pick it up in your hand it would be almost impossible to hold it steady enough that you could not see at least some movement in it all the time.

     Anxiety, when it comes, is going to feel like your brain, and in some cases, your entire body is unstable and a little bit shaky. If you are trying to control the shakiness through your own strength, without something firm to hang on to, things are going to be uncomfortable.

A relationship with Christ offers each of us a firm foundation (Matthew 7:24-27). When we understand that, it is possible to know that we are supported by God and things don’t seem quite so shaky. Oh, sure, there will still be tremors every once in a while, but knowing that we are standing on solid rock can give us a confidence that everything is ultimately going to be okay.